I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
