Your face is a jimmy john
Do you still have your period?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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