We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
