I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just invented taco cereal.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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