turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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