She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
