forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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