First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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