i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
