I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
