I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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