Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
