I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
