my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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