Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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