oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We're using joints as your birthday candles
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
