On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
