I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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