3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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