question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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