I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize