he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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