just come out here and I will go home with you...
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
