So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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