Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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