Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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