I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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