Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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