Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
you never un-have a 4some
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
