U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
