i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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