if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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