Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
