Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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