i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
