I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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