my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
