I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
