dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
