Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Houston, we have a squirter
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
