we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
