On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You ate ashes out of my bong
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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