i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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