Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
