In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
