don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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