last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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