i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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