your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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