I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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