I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
