I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
