3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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