i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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