you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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