I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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