And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We have so much sex to catch up on
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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