mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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