I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize